Saturday, 7 June 2014

Don't touch me!

My Yahoo weather app tells me that there is 98% humidity today. I'm not quite sure what that means, all I know is that I'm uncomfortable as hell and I've spent the last hour in a state of nudity, being blasted by the shiny, new fan that we purchased yesterday as I broke the last one. I know you're thanking me already for that great mental image I've just created right there.


I have pretty much banned my other half from touching me today as I just can't cope with any level of physical interaction whilst I feel more clammy than the Krusty Krab diner sign. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" has been my buzzword, (or should I say, buzz sentence) today and whilst lying in my darkened bedroom, attempting a pre night out nap, I began thinking of all the occasions where touching me is not acceptable. This is what I came up with...

Don't touch me when:

- I'm hot. I do NOT need you to start giving me any of your extra body heat thank you very much.

- I have just applied a heavy slathering of fake tan. Ever heard of streaks? Jeesh!

- You have got gross stuff on your hands. You have just been stuffing a chicken, now is not the time to touch me.

- I'm changing this one to; Do not touch my face when I have just applied my make-up. I will glare at you with complete and utter annoyance if you dare to do this.

- Your hands are cold. I am not a hot water bottle. Buy some gloves.

- I am tangled up in a difficult-to-operate strappy top, whilst heaving my skinnies up over my ass. Pick a better moment.

- I'm deep in concentration. This can be anything from painting my nails, to browsing the 'new in' section of ASOS. If after the fifth time of saying my name, I have not answered, or simply grunted a response, just go and play FIFA.

- I am ticklish. Some days I can totally stand you stroking my feet, other days I will kick you and you MAY lose a tooth.

- Just don't touch my stomach, EVER without making your intentions crystal clear beforehand or at least going in slowly so I have time to suck that bad boy in.

- I'm suffering from a stage ten hangover. I will probably vomit on you. Just feed me pork-based products and tell me that I look radiant.

I think I'm going to print this off and leave it lying around for my other half to casually come across. Feel free to do the same!

Kirsty xx


  1. Great post, I just snorted into my cup of tea at 'Just go and play FIFA' ;) xx

    1. Haha, great visual! Thanks, glad you enjoyed it xx


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