Saturday, 5 July 2014

Lies my parents used to tell me...

When it comes to parenting, the only experience I have on the subject is that I was once parented, so I am basing my following thoughts on that alone.

Now, I may not have always been a well-behaved child. I was occasionally cheeky and on one very disturbing and hard-to-believe occasion, I threatened to chop my cat's head off and throw it in the fire. I was three and quite rightly so, my mother was horrified. I have no recollection of said event; although I have very fond memories of Garfield, (the cat I had threatened to decapitate) and I can't possibly understand why I would say such an awful thing. 

Anyway, throughout my childhood, my parents tried to instill a particular set of morals in me. One of which was the importance of always telling the truth. An admirable quality to say the least. Although, it wasn't until some years later, I learnt that my parents were in fact, the biggest liars to walk this fine planet. Here are some of the many things that they fed my small and innocent mind:

- Whilst pulling a silly face. "If the wind changes, your face will stay like that!" Really mum, will it? You mean to tell me that the direction of the wind has the power to cement this look on my face forever? Thanks for warning me! 

- If I had the nerve to play up at bed time, or any other particular time for that matter, my mum and dad would always seem to get a phone call from the local policeman. Funny that. I'm sure they have more important things to be concerning themselves with, rather than the night time habits of a six year old. My mum wouldn't make this up though... surely?

- If the telephone call from the policeman wasn't enough to scare me into submission, I would be presented with the fact that I had been registered with the local children's home and if I dared to misbehave one more time, they would be called to come and collect me. Truly terrifying. 

- "If you sit too close to the telly, you'll get square eyes!" Wait a minute... my eyes will literally become square-shaped!? Wow... You didn't quite cut it with this one though as I always thought that square eyes would be kinda cool.

- Now, I have mentioned this one before in a previous post, Crazy things I believed as a child! But did you know that eating bread crusts causes hair to grow on your chest? I promise you! My dad told me this regularly and we all know that parents never lie. 

- "If you eat an apple seed, an apple tree will grow inside your tummy!" So don't do it kids. 

- Don't even get me started on Father Christmas. I've been trying to keep that guy happy for years!

- "Eating too many sweets will make your teeth fall out!" Forget tooth decay or minor dental problems, your teeth WILL FALL OUT! Put down that sour shoe lace right now!

Phew, I honestly don't know what I would have done without my parents and all of their worldly wisdom. Remember girls and boys, if you retain anything from your many years of being parented, make it that honesty is always the best policy... Oh, and don't do drugs! 

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