Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Spam, not the ham...

spam, ham,

Something very strange has happened in the world of Effortlessly Excessive. I've acquired a spammer. I don't know if it's just me, but whenever I hear the word spam, I always think of that tinned meat stuff. Does anyone remember that cringe-worthy advert that they released - 'Spam up... for a special tea, Spam up... for an anniversary etc'? I'm maybe on my own with this one, but seriously, if you don't know what I'm talking about, go and YouTube it. Just don't blame me if you find yourself singing it walking around town doing your grocery shopping. 

Where was I? Ah, yes... The spammer! 

I'm pretty sure it's one person, or perhaps there's a whole team of them that have singled out my blog in the webasphere. (Okay, I'm almost certain that spammers are a common blogger problem, but let me have my moment here please) As it stands, my spam fan has targeted this particular post right here, with the sporadic comment here and there on this post here. I mean, not to knock myself much, but of all the posts on my blog, a post about the time I wrecked my apartment with a candle doesn't particularly stand out to be top, spam-worthy content. Unless I'm seriously missing the point. 

Anyway, I have received a whole host of glorious comments from my spammer, in what I can only assume is a desperate attempt to get people to click on their knock-off designer gear websites. Ahhh, but you see what my spammer fails to realise is that I control the comments that get placed on my blog, and whilst I have seriously considered allowing them all to appear for shits and giggs, I'd hate to give these fucktards any undeserved attention. 

Let me fill you in on some of the interesting comments, if I may. 

'Write more, that's all I have to say. Literally it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point. You obviously know what you're talking about, why waste your intelligence on just posting videos to your weblog when you could be giving us something informative to read?' - I'm sorry, what? 10 gold stickers for anyone that can find this video I've supposedly used to illustrate my point. 

  'Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested it to see if it can survive a twenty five foot drop, just so she can be a YouTube sensation. My apple iPad is now broken and she has 83 views.' - And this relates to my candle escapades how? 

'I found exactly what I used to be taking a look for. You have ended my 4 day long hunt! God bless you man.' - I guess this is some sort of compliment, right?

'It is fantastic that you are getting ideas from this paragraph as well as from our discussion made at this place.' - Has spammer figured out I'm writing this post? Spooky. 

And finally,

'Hi, I really like your writing very much! percentage we keep up a correspondence extra approximately your article on AOL? I need an expert in this area to solve my problem. Maybe that is you! Having a look forward to peer you.' - Now, if you can decipher that series of letters and punctuation marks then you are seriously the cheese on my crackers. 

In the early hours of Tuesday morning, I received thirteen, yes THIRTEEN emails containing various spam comments from the spammer, linking to the same web page. Words fail me, and that's not like me as I almost always have something to chip in to any situation. The inner child in me wants to have my revenge somehow, maybe I could spam the spammer? Oh how I long for the old days of Facebook when you could just digitally throw a sheep at someone. If you're listening Blogger bosses, I'd be all up for seeing this as a downloadable feature. The spammer would no doubt be first in line to receive a ram in the chops. 

Anyone else have this annoying problem? Share your spammer horror stories below and make me feel like I'm not the only one out there having to deal with this. Urgh! 



  1. LOL this made me laugh so much! A while back i was literally waking up to about 30 comments on one particular post every day SO annoying! Its funny when you look back to see what they actually say haha. I usually just delete them and hope they stop soon! I'll leave you with this one left on my 21st birthday presents post 'If you are right handed, tennis elbow will affect your right arm as it often presents itself f on
    the dominant arm. So, concentrate on getting the timing down and just hitting
    the ball straight. For instance, job design provides
    an assembly line worker some inspection or quality control jobs to
    alleviate the stress of repeated and monotonous work' so relevant... xxx

    1. Phahaha.. That's brilliant! I think that beats my examples, hands down. (Or tennis elbows down, whatever...) I'm thinking of trying to turn my email notifications off whilst it blows over as it's driving me mad! Bloody spammers eh!

      Thanks for commenting lovely xxx

  2. The English is just appauling. And I don't get the random iPad story. It's like 'Oh, okay ... thanks for erm, sharing'. Who are these people that accept a job that involves posting utterly random nonsense thats not even written well.
    x tink x //

    1. It's SO strange! Why don't they just leave their dodgy link instead of creating some weird and wonderful 'story' to go with it? I'd love to reply to them but I don't want to encourage them in any way.. Ha! xxx

  3. Haha I have an overfull spam comment folder, some of it's weird and some start off like a really normal comment and then at the end it's always here's my webpage. Yeah like no.

    1. Those pesky spammers! I do see the entertainment value in the weird comments but it's still bloody annoying when you're getting numerous emails throughout the day - All linking to the same web page. Could you be more obvious?! Deary me.

      Thanks for commenting Rachael xxx

  4. This was hilarious and completely and truly entertaining to read (though of course, its not funny to be targeted by spammers). You're commentary was classic. I've had a few spammers but not that many. I need to start keeping a record so I don't forget the really crazy ones.

    Beauty Isles | An Island Girl's Beauty and Lifestyle Blog

    1. Thank you lovely. You should totally keep an record and maybe all us bloggers can club together and write a hilarious spammer, coffee table book! Let's Dragon's Den this.. Haha. xxx

    2. Great idea! Copyright it! Lol. :-)


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