I've been bottling up a whole bunch of feelings lately and I thought it might be time to put pen to paper, or perfectly polished nails to keyboard. But you see, my life really isn't perfect. As bloggers, we often live double lives. The fun, smiley, happy selves that we portray to those that surround us, and while not exactly a lie, the tricky moments, the tears and feelings of uncertainty are left on the sidelines, like a dirty secret we're not yet willing to admit.
I don't speak for everyone, this really is just about myself, but I'm sure I'm not alone in keeping the crappy parts of my life just below the surface. My unhappiness with my current situation riddles me with me guilt. I know that in many ways, I am incredibly fortunate. I am in good health, I rarely want for anything and in just over four months, I will marry my incredibly wonderful fiance. So what's the catch?
I'll put my hands up. I never wanted to move to Finland. Don't get me wrong, the choice was mine to make and I took it, but deep down, both Scott and I knew that I was making the move for him. I don't resent that choice, I own it, it was mine and I made it. Living in Qatar was wearing thin, I hated my job (or more specifically my superiors) and I needed to break free from the life that was wearing me down. When the opportunity in Finland came knocking, despite my reservations, I felt like we'd regret not jumping at it. For the record, Finland is a beautiful country. Sure, there are parts that I don't love so much, (like the lack of home comforts and the fact that nothing seems to be open past 8pm at any given day of the week) but I've experienced so many wonderful things living here. I've met some great people and I've been fortunate enough to see a part of the world that I would likely have never traveled to in normal circumstances, but for me, my time is up here. I feel it with every breath in the morning, my body aches for a chance to spread my wings outside of the four walls that I spend so much of my time feeling trapped in. Blogging has been my escape from a life that I haven't always loved living. It's always been real and I've never not stayed true to who I am on these pages, but what you don't see is that without this place for myself that I have created, I would have crumbled a long time ago.
If you've read my About Me page, you will know that I quit my job as a primary school teacher to make the big move. In all honesty, I don't miss it. Teaching is an enriching profession. I can't describe that rush of emotion when a struggling child finally, 'gets it' but it isn't always easy. The work/life balance is non-existent. I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty of why I don't plan on returning to the teaching profession again, but what I will say is that finding out I was unable to teach in Finland, knocked me. What was I going to do with myself? Scott and I moved knowing that this was a possibility and we were both of the understanding that I didn't need to work if I couldn't find the right position. It was then that I buried myself in writing, something that I have always loved to do. It satisfied my need to work at something, focus myself rather than letting unemployment swallow me up in a sweat-pant wearing, T.V. shaped hole. Okay, the sweat pant part is true but I can count on one hand, the amount of times that I have switched the television on before Scott returned home from work. Truthfully, it's kind of lonely. I have no work colleagues to bitch about the photocopying rules with, I have no purpose for waking up in the morning. Sleeping in late starts to feel like a negative thing after a while too.
We need a change, I need a change.
I need to live in a city that has more than a handful of people living in it. Where I haven't eaten at the four available restaurants more times than I care to recall. Where I don't know the menus off by heart and where I'm not a regular at my local coffee shop. I need to live somewhere where I see the sun for more than 3/4 months of the year. Where I don't have to take daily vitamin D supplements as a medical necessity. I want to live in a city that is full of energy, full of opportunity and full of life. Whilst Finland has taught me so much about appreciating the natural beauty of the world, I'm ready to start living in a world in which I belong. A world where I have a purpose, and a cocktail bar on every street corner.