Sunday, 16 August 2015

That Time Writing My Wedding Vows Made Me Feel Like A Bad Person

Ridiculously long blog post title - check! I wanted to jump right in and give you the full picture of what we're dealing with today and so four words just really weren't sufficient. Not that I have a four word, blog post title limit, but ya know... *something to do with SEO* 

No, today is a serious topic guys! I have come to the earth-shattering realisation that I'm probably a shitty person. Not like, bb gun the shit out of your dog, levels of shitty, but somewhere around the cold-hearted bitch mark. It was whilst sitting down to write my wedding vows that I came to discover this hidden gem about myself. Let me paint the picture...

Scott and I are getting married in just under 3 weeks... (shitballs) and because we felt that planning a wedding 3,000km away from where we'll actually get wed was, super easy, we thought, hey... why not write our own vows too! So with a glass of wine in hand and steely determination, I took to Google for inspiration...

And that's when it happened...

It dawned on me that all these married people were far better people than I could ever hope to be, and before you start to object, I'll tell you why!

First up...

- I love everything about you... ERMM, no I don't. I'm sorry, but if you tell me you love absolutely everything, EVERYTHING about your partner, I won't believe you. Like, do I love that Scott always has five pairs of shoes sitting in front of the place that houses the shoes? -Nope! Do I love that he has yet to discover the purpose of the washing basket? Hell no, but what I will say is that I love him, in spite of these things; although I'm not sure that quite cuts it for, 'vow material'

Moving on...

- I want to live forever in your warm embrace... Okay, LOLZ! I've just applied near shit-perfect winged liner and my hair is actually looking like I'm about to walk the red carpet - you touch me, you die! Simple as that. Plus, there's a lot to be said for the hug and roll. So, let me rephrase that to, 'I want to live for five minutes in your warm embrace and then I'm going to kick you back to your side, (where you belong) and imma get my starfish on!' 

 - Your love has taught me so many things... Yes, like there really are still people in the world who don't know how to operate a duvet cover, that throwing easy garlic at you is the quickest way we have ever resolved a disagreement and that life for murder is a really long time and probably not worth it. 

- I promise to be kind and patient... This was clearly written by someone who has never lived with a man. I mean, there's only so many times you can ask someone nicely to re-plug the bedroom lamp in after they've charged their phone, before you lose all sense of sanity and start hiding iPhone chargers in your knicker drawer. Fact. 

- I promise to nurture your dreams... Now come on, this really does depend on what your dream entails. If it's a pizza chef you strive to become, I can totally get on board with that, but ask me to support your dream of becoming an antique, porcelain doll collector and I will ask you to reconsider. 

Maybe I'll just write a poem instead...
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a bad person
Please marry me still!

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