Friday, 23 October 2015

Husband Fear

I wouldn't go as far as saying my husband is afraid of me, but I don't feel like there is anything wrong with instilling a little bit of fear. 

I have a look. A stare, if you will. 

Perfected from my days as a teacher, it's the kind of look that lets you know you're a whisker away from seeing me go bat shit crazy. 

My husband is familiar with the look. 

The other day, I was trying to drum up ideas for blog posts and I came up with this:

Now, would be a good time to point out that my husband is a complete liar, but kudos to him for trying. Do you see where I'm coming from with, 'the fear' though?

Because I can laugh at myself, and because I know that the above comment couldn't be further from the truth, I decided to make a list of six things that my husband knows better than to say to me. 

1. Do you know what time it is? We have to be there in half an hour! - No Scott, the concept of time has been momentarily erased from my mind. Please do continue to count down the remaining time I have to curl my hair and I shall try super hard not to practise my javelin skills with my GHDs. 

2. You're being a bitch! - Yes, I probably am but call me that one more time and so help me Jesus. Do I need to remind you of the events surrounding the last time you called me a bitch? I threw easy garlic at you, remember? I do, you stunk for days. Let that be a lesson. 

3. (After changing my outfit) I prefer what you had on originally. - Oh do you, Gok Fucking Wan?! Explain in precise detail exactly what you 'prefer' about the original outfit. Oh, we have to be out the door in five minutes do we? You should have thought about that before you opened your mouth. 

4. Are you sure you don't want to have something healthy for dinner? - Are you sure you want to deprive me of pizza? I mean, if I had to choose between pizza and being married to you, let me just say, it wouldn't be a tough decision. 

5. What's up with your face? - Oh, hey there Mr Observant. Finally noticed that I'm annoyed have we? 

6. I think you're overreacting. - Babe, let me tell you something real quick. I had a drama lesson one time at school and I was really fucking good at it. You think this is overreacting? Speak to my parents, I'm due an Oscar for my role in, The Teenage Years, 2001 - 2007. 

No, I can't believe I'm married either. 
FYI, to anyone that doesn't take this with a pinch of salt should go out and purchase a tub of Saxa. 


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